This is and old set of fanfic from years ago when the forum was still HTML rewritten in BBCode for you reading pleasure.
Shadow_X's Tall Tales
Hi.
I'm Shadow_X, but people just call me X for short. I've been all around Rune Midgard. I spend most of my days in the bar closest to hell. Where is this bar, you ask? Well, if I told you I'd have to kill you. No, really. Dead. Anyway, between my travels and my time at the bar I've quite a collection of tales for you and trust me, they're all 100% true.
Shadow_X and the Gunslinger without a Cause
I sat at the bar, half passed out from too much EDP when a gunslinger tripped and fell down the staircase. I raised my index finger and wiggled it slightly, hoping the bartender would acknowledge my need for more booze. Instead, he nearly jumped over the bar to help the fallen gunslinger. No one else in the bar seemed to have notice his demise, why should he? I stared at the whole thing for a while, and noticed the bartender was now kneeling beside the gunslinger, glass of EDP in hand. He gave the gunslinger a quick dose and in less than half a second, the now very conscious gunslinger was spinning around guns blazing. It did cause quite a stir with the rest of the weapon-toting clientele who all now had their daggers, katars and swords pointed at the gunslinger's unmentionables.
One of the GXes glowered at him and grumbled, "What's your name, boi?"
The gunslinger simply pulled up a stool and exhaled slightly. It was clear he wasn't afraid of anyone in the room. I personally couldn't give a damn because the bartender still hadn't refilled my glass. Meh. After a few minutes, the boys all settled down and the gunslinger pulled up a stool right next to me. I don't know if he thought of me as some kind of caring or supportive individual, but whatever. If it was what he wanted from me he wasn't gonna get it. He turned to me and sighed.
"I don't want to be gunslinger."
He paused for a few seconds, as if waiting a reply. After about half a minute, I gave in to the immense pressure and replied simply, "Then don't."
He looked at the floor and kicked the bar a bit as if he was kicking dust. "No, you don't understand. I don't want to be this class."
Now, at this point I'm really getting upset because he's getting in the middle of my EDP time. The overwhelming silence, however, demanded I reply to this jaded newbie.
"Ok, I'll bite. What class do you want to be?"
The gunslinger's eyes lit up as if I gave a damn. I was very agitated because that was NOT my intention. The gunslinger clasped his hands together in a way that no gunslinger should ever do in ANY bar (let alone this one) and shouted, "I wanna be a DANCER!"
At that moment, half the bar stood up all ready to jump the guy. I didn't really care because if he wants to dance, that's his prerogative, just as long as he doesn't do it around me. That said, I felt this weird urge to inform him the obvious: Guys can't be dancers.
I lifted my glass slightly and gave a bit of brief eye contact before returning to my glass and said, "Well...why don't you go be a bard or something?"
The gunslinger seemed to get very agitated by this question. "I don't want to be a bard! I want to be a DANCER!"
I shrugged effortlessly. "Then dance." (Knowing full well what was about to happen.)
The gunslinger jumped up and began dancing like a ballerina. He felt so alive, he didn't even notice the katar sticking through his spine half a second later.
And with that, I picked up my glass and downed it, slamming it on the bar.
Shadow_X and the Novice that Came Back
Now before I tell you this story, I must reiterate that the bar I frequent is - Well, to say it is very exclusive would be a grave understatement. It is often called by the local clientele the bar before hell~ and for good reason! That said, we don't get a lot of randoms or one-time walk-ins. I can't tell you much more but I can say that the bar is inaccessible save for those who've already been there.
So I was sitting at the bar one day, EDP in hand and this "wubububub" sound that is all-too-familiar makes me turn my head a little. Next thing I know, there's a novice standing on top of one of the tables.
He looks down at the 4 miscreants whose poker game he's just screwed up and asks "Izdis izlude?" He barely got out the question before 7 32k hits appear over his dead corpse. There was a brief wooshing sound as his body disappeared.
As the four miscreants began fighting over the 5 extra Aces on the table, the rest of the bar was in an uproar over what had just happened. How did a novice get into such an exclusive bar? The higher-ups and the owners pointed fingers at each other and I.. I just drank my EDP. It was tasty^^. Not 5 minutes later, the same novice reappeared. This time, he appeared on top of the bar itself, tipping over my very valuable drink. He looked down at me and said "Izludsse? Zeny?plxz?". I wanted to kill him. I really did, but my logical side asked "Maybe I could find out how he got here. It's not worth killing him. He might know something." I looked at my spilt EDP again ...and decided to ignore my logical side.
A tense three hours went by. Eventually, the booze settled the crowd and everyone forgot about the novice...until he showed a third time. We all stabbed him at the same time and some weird Angel showed up and cast Mental Strength on him and said to him "Never give up!". Unable to do any damage to him, he started attacking us...to little avail.
It looked like it was going to be a stalemate, but I was honestly tired of this novice. I jumped behind the counter and grabbed 10 EDP bottles and downed them all at once. I pulled out my Katars and - Sonic Blow!
...
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Shadow_X: Halloween Edition
It may be a whole month before Halloween, but eh....What else is there to think about in October?
Anyway, I was taking a leisurely nap in payon:
"Hey, mister!" The newbie shouted, alerting me to a steadily growing hangover I'd been having for some time. I was displeased, to say the least. "..."
"Hey! Mister!"
I turned over, making a groaning sound. I was about to fall back asleep, when I felt several sharb jabs into my side. I opened my eyes and looked over to see the Swordie poking me with his Novice Cutter. After several minutes of this, I caved. "Ughhh....What do you want?"
"Can you show me how to get to Prontera?"
"EDP..."
A question mark raised above the Swordie's head. "Who's EDP??""My lover..." I groaned.
The Swordie gave a puzzled look and then did the one thing I didn't want him to do. "Where can I find her?"
I 
, now fully awake. I sat up, or knelt as it were. "Get me EDP..."
, now fully awake. I sat up, or knelt as it were. "Get me EDP..."The swordie walked away, and I stared blankly into the horizon until my eyes started hurting. I felt like a husk, annoyed and tired ...and in need of EDP.
Several minutes later a local guild approached me and asked if I'd met a young swordsman recently. "No." I lied.
"We only ask because there's a low level swordie in payon square asking for EDP. He's harassing local merchants and I personally thought it would be easiest to just find an Assassin and buy an EDP off him to shut the swordie up."
I sighed and looked away. "I'll take care of it."
Sure enough, I found the noob swordie in payon square yelping about EDP. He saw me out of the corner of my eye and practically galloped to me.
"I haven't found your lover yet, but don't worry. I'll find her! >3!~"
I gave an apathetic stare. "Don't worry about it. Let's just...I'll take you to Prontera."We walked quite a distance, through several fields. Eventually, we ended up in the treetops of Umbala. I took him out to the ledge, where the psychologically illiterate send themselves to Niffleheim and pointed outward. "Just jump off the cliff and you'll end up in Prontera. Be sure to save here with the Kafra Corporation, because it doesn't always work."
The noobie swordie showed some signs of hestitation...and intelligence. "Won't....won't I die, though?"
"You may die, but if you succeed you'll end up in Prontera, right next to the fountain!"
"Oh...oh ok I guess."
And with that, I left Umbala and went back to the bar.
Epilogue:
Several days later, I had what you might call a bit of a guilty conscience. I headed back to the tree tops of Umbala and the swordie was no longer there. Maybe he'd actually gotten into Nifflehiem. I was curious, I admit. I coersed a local witch in Eden Kitchen to take me to Niff for 1,000 Zeny. I scowered the town fruitlessly for hours. There was definitely action here, but no swordie. I decided to talk to some of the local townsfolk, if you could call them that. I talked to the Kafra.
"Hey. You haven't by any chance seen a low level swordie, have you?"
The kafra's eyes gleamed an eeiry grey and white. "Yyyyesss...I haaavvee....Go tooo...Geffffeeennn"
"Geffen? There's nothing there but mages!"
"Thhheeee....Dungeeeonnnn....Threeeeeee"
"Uh...Ok."
So out of masochistic curiosity, I headed to Geffen Dungeon : Level 3. As I headed to the dungeon, it occurred to me that I didn't actually know the name of the swordie. All I knew was he had a crappy slicked-back haircut and blonde hair- and that he was a swordsman class. Demons surrounded me and began to attack, but after slaying a few dozen Nightmares all the mobs seemed to retreat – to a central area: The graveyard.
I headed to the graveyard and there was a single tombstone and written on it was my name, Shadow_X. I turned around and booked it to the portal but no sooner had I spun my head than my eyes were met with him - the noobie swordie, or what he used to be. Now he was something else. He was Doppelganger.
I kicked the dust with my plated greaves and stared at the ground.
"Ah, 
."
."Shadow_X and the Butter Lovers
This world is too crowdy, too busy. It wouldn't be so bad if the super secret assassin tavern in Morroc, where I drink my EDP to avoid people, was excluded from this bull-_-. Instead, our clandestine location feels like a theme park. Take yesterday, for example. I was sitting at the bar drinking my EDP and I felt a slight tug on my cloak. I turned left, looked down, and saw this 
merchant! She couldn't even be legal. Needless to say, I turned back around and ignored her- at least until I started to feel a slight repetitive tugging.
merchant! She couldn't even be legal. Needless to say, I turned back around and ignored her- at least until I started to feel a slight repetitive tugging."What?" I barked.
She looked up at me with creepy, unrealistcally large, teary eyes; touching her two pointer fingers together to comfort herself and mumble, "I'm looking for margarine."
I raised my left eyebrow ever-so slightly. "You want butter?"
"No", she replied with slightly more force. "Maaargarine."
I sighed. "Margarine, butter, lard. Point is, I don't have any." I turned back around. Not fifteen seconds passed and I felt this pounding on my back, followed by a wetness and presence I could only horrifyingly assume as her throwing her face on me. I turned around once more.
"Look kid-", but I stopped. Why I stopped is beyond me, but it was enough of a pause for this sappy underage child in a clandestine underground bar to pull out a scrap of paper and scribble,
"Marjana".
My eyes widened and I stood up.
"What the hell does my ex-girlfriend love to do with-oh."
I remembered toying with Marjana and calling her 'margarine' or 'sweet as butter' – this all of course before she sold her soul to the Kafra Corporation. The reason I had come up with it was due to the obvious similarity in the word sounds. I felt another tug.
"Damn, you're persistant. Marjana is down the hall. Now leave me in peace."
She thanked me profusely and then turned and walked away- pulling a tiny cart behind her. Completely out of character, I called out to her, "What the hell do you want with that soul-sucking bitch anyway?" - but she'd turned the corner by then. I heard her singing, though. The song was strangely familiar, but I couldn't place it. It involved serpents and swallowing and the ocean and death -slow death. That's probably why I remembered it. I quickly dismissed the nostalgia and turned back to the bar. I reached for my bottle of EDP to take another sip when I felt a tug on my cloack. The tug forced my hand to instead knock the bottle to the floor, the delicious liquid making a steamy hiss when it spilled – a hiss I made as I turned around. I looked down to see another merchant. my life.
my life.Epilogue
When first asked about it, Marjana tried to pass it off as a story about Prontera's King and a lost lineage or something. "You're really going to do that?", I said flatly.
"What?" She replied calmly.
"Lie to my face while I'm drinking EDP. I dare you.", I glowered.
"Look." She stated, furrowing her slightly charred, but still fresh brow. "The tavern's red and your-" She paused and pointed her eyes to my bottle – "'habit' -isn't helping. So, I talked to Kafra Corporation and set me up with a gig."
"Am I going to get royalties for this bull-_-?" I inquired.
She smirked, "No. Just a lot of helpless sap newbies asking for help."
"I should kill you now." I growled, reaching for my jur.
She stopped my hand with hers and smiled a little wider, "I know, but you won't because I'm the one who's paying your bar tab."
//
~Fin~
