My story. My truth. - Off Topic - WarpPortal Community Forums

Jump to content


Photo
* * * * - 1 votes

My story. My truth.


  • This topic is locked This topic is locked
15 replies to this topic

#1 Maka

Maka

    Awarded #1 Troll

  • Members
  • 991 posts
  • LocationLimbo
  • Playing:Nothing

Posted 28 October 2018 - 12:21 AM

A long long time ago, in 2005, there was a young transgender girl with no friends and a broken family who started playing a game called Ragnarok Online. She proceeded to create a cute female Archer. And almost immediately after starting she met another player and began talking with him and hanging out. This player led her to a friend group who was also helping him. And all of a sudden she had friends. As lame as that sounds it was... amazing to her. She felt accepted.

In real life she was 17 still closeted and very depressed. She was bullied in school for most of her life. Often told she was annoying, talked to much, and once even told "her personality would better suit a girl." Which was more of a compliment than a insult, if they only knew. Sat alone at lunch often with her head down hiding the fact she was crying after eating.

At home she was the oldest of three siblings. Her parents were divorced and she lived with her father. Her father had not taken the divorce and a relationship he had with a woman shortly after the divorce had ended. He would drink all night long until he passed out on the living room couch often falling off and crashing onto the floor. Every single night.

So her escape into the world of RO was so much more than a video game. It was a escape into a better life. The ability to express herself as her true self and feel accepted was paramount. On top of that she had friends! Fast forward a little bit though and she had formed a deep relationship with a player of a Dancer. She saw her as a big sister. Around the same time things were not going well in real life or in her escape. She had stopped going to school, due to bullying. And she was losing friends inside the game. To her Rune Midgar was her world. And some of the friends she made didn't want as serious as a friendship as she wanted with them. I guess she came off as weird and desperate.

After losing her first best friend(s) in the game she came upon another one which I mentioned before. She was older in real life. In her mid 20s and was very kind andcompassionate. Unfortunately she had heart problems which at times made her very depressed. The girl was able to understand that feeling and became bonded with this player. They both shared what they were going through with each other, and cheered eachother up when they were sad. Once again friendship was found in RO... This friendship extended outside of the game as the two would often email each other in times of need. Though it was slightly one sided, as the girl needed her more than she needed her. Unfortunately the player of Auralis, her friend died in 2006 of heart complications. The news was broken to the girl a few months after her death by her brother who had been checking her email.

By this point the girl had dropped out of school and was playing Ragnarok Online full time. From the moment she woke up to the moment she went to bed. There was no other world. She was the girl she needed to be and was still making friends who only saw that truth. In Ragnarok Online she was a social butterfly. Becoming very popular within the game, and amongst her friends. This gave her a sense of happiness she didn't have outside of RO.

Outside of RO she had become extremely depressed and withdrawn. She developed extreme social anxiety and started to have severe panic attacks. She did not leave her house ever for about 3 years, except on weekends when.she would visit her mother. But at one point she stopped even doing that. Often she would park herself on the hill at the top of Payon stare at the screen and cry. She did not want to live her life as a boy. So she stopped it. She put her entire real life on pause and instead focused on the life where everyone saw her true self. Meanwhile her father was never home, as he had met a new woman and spent all his time at work and at her home with her family aftetwards. She was a after thought. This allowed her to become as withdrawn as possible from her life, because no one was ever around to notice or care.

Eventually Ragnarok Online would get a forum. So as someone who basically was a permanent resident of the game, she eventually started using the forums to kinda be silly and often times vocal about changes that were being made to the game. Oh and she LOVED to argue, even when it was futile. It also became a bit of her social outlet, because she just wanted to have more friends, to be seen by more people and have more friends She wanted to be the popular girl for once. And she was, but not always in a good way. It was fun for a while but eventually became a place that threatened her new reality. Players on the forums who did not like her opinions or how she said them would soon start to pick her apart. She was hyper feminine as a result of repressed self expression, and was still learning how to be herself. But also she desperately wanted to be seen as her real self. Not as the shell that didn't know how to help itself. This unfortunately was used against her as people started to theorize she wasn't "real". So once again she lived a life where she was bullied and abused constantly. She tried to get through it but around this time she mostly just wanted to end her life. Luckily something really bad happened in her life shortly after quitting RO, which altered the course she was on and changed things in retrospect for the better.

Even though she left RO many years ago she carries with her much of the learning experiences and friendships to this day. She met her best friend ,who is still to this day, in RO, someone she was able to confide in and work through her feelings with. She helped her to become stronger in real life and eventually start to transition.

Being transgender isn't easy. No one wants to be trans. It's not a choice. It's very hard on your mental well being. I never wanted to be seen as a transgirl. Just as a girl. Back then I found a easy way out of my problems, I was young and had no other options. Back then being trans wasn't really as "accepted" as it is today. So it was extra scary to be outed almost as much online as it was offline. And while I still absolutely want to simply be seen as the girl I am and not be defined as being trans, I am proud to be so.

It's been 10 years since I left RO behind and I've begone to transition, which back then I never thought would be possible. I'm happy I was able to get through some really dark times with this game, and I'm glad my story kind of began here and didn't end here.

So anyway I was having a bad night tonight. For whatever reason I started to think about this place and just wanted to tell my story. It was somewhat therepeutic.

Probably really lame and nonsensical but thanks for reading it if you did. I'll probably wake up tommorow and want to make a thousand edits. Anyways just know if you're having a hard time like I was back then, that you're not alone and it can get better. Never give up and always be you!
  • 2

#2 ZeroTigress

ZeroTigress

    My Offline Life is Nonexistent.

  • RO1 Member
  • 15091 posts
  • Playing:Ragnarok Online
  • Server:Sakray->Iris->Ymir->Chaos

Posted 28 October 2018 - 08:28 AM

As a kid, I was often bullied by girls for some reason, so I started hanging out with boys and became a full-blown tomboy. My parents and older sister didn't take to kindly to that, saying that it's just a phase and that I would eventually be "normal." The bullying at school continued, so I continued hanging out with boys mostly. I did become friends with some girls, but only ones that were as quirky as I was. But in the end, I only ever felt myself being around boys and doing "boy" things like talking about Transformers.

At home, I was picked on by my own family and had to deal with domestic violence, so I saw school as a refuge, even though girls continued to bully me. At least at school, I could be with my friends.

At one point, I did wonder if my life would be any better as a boy. But that changed when I started watching Xena: Warrior Princess and other similar shows. That's when I decided that, hey, girls can be just as badass as boys and that I didn't need to conform to society's rules about what boys and girls have to be. Discovering anime further confirmed my beliefs, and I made more friends in the anime community. I stopped caring what bullies and my family thought about me and decided that I will be who I want and **** everyone who says I should be someone I'm not.

(This is not to say that I oppose transgender people's choices on what they decide to do with their bodies. It's your life, not mine.)

I still get depressed from time to time from years of domestic violence, but overall I feel a lot better about myself now than I did as a kid. Society may think me as "abnormal" for not adhering to their girl/woman standards, but I don't care because the only people who matter to me are those who accept me as I am.

P.S. Some men just should never be fathers.
  • 0

#3 Maka

Maka

    Awarded #1 Troll

  • Members
  • 991 posts
  • LocationLimbo
  • Playing:Nothing

Posted 28 October 2018 - 05:46 PM

Yes! Its so important to just be you. Do what you enjoy and never force yourself to enjoy stuff for the benefit of others. Whether your trans or just a tomboy never be afraid to express yourself. That fear is suffocating. I still deal with it, though I'm gradually overcoming one step at a time.

 

You definitely don't seem trans to me though. I think lots of people have the types of thoughts you had though. Its definitely possible to be feminine and also a badass. Just like it's possible to be male and be sensitive and compassionate. I also tend to like seeing that portrayed in films, television and video games. You should never be constrained into being anything based on your gender. Like i'm a woman. But that doesn't mean I want to start sewing or go get a baby or do any domestic duties. I mean i use paper plates and plastic cutlery to avoid ever having to wash a dish. And i threw out all my pots and pans when i moved for the same reason ._. Which i kinda regret. Like uh...

 

How to describe being trans..? Well it's not really wanting to do things girls do or things boys do. I mean it is, but that's not really the issue. If just painting my nails and wearing a dress could make me happy that would be easy. Right? Its like when you wake up and you look in the mirror... and you start to cry. You literally wish you could die in that moment. Every day.. It's a hatred of your body. It doesn't feel right. Everything is wrong. Sexual desires are not there. You see the world different from your same "sexed" peers. For most people.. like puberty is exciting and fun, right? Kinda!!? You know.. you want to grow up. You want to be an adult. That's the teenage experience right? But for me it was like. How do I stop this? Will anyone help me? And as you grow its gets worse. You literally want to die. You feel deformed... you feel trapped. And especially so when you don't have people around you trust. Imagine the fear in a childs mind. Like what happens if i tell my parents. Would they accept me? Would they not? Would they help me? Would it make things worse?.. And you learn about your parents you study them. You try to figure out what they believe. What their partners believe. What would happen if your moms boyfriend found out you were trans. Would that affect her? Would that affect you? It's a mess. Its not fun. You don't want to grow up. Those coming of age moments most kids have. Sex and experimentation, become something you could never do. Why would you want to use your genitals. They disgust you. You don't want those things. You want to feel like your mind feels. It's so strange and you know it. And you feel awkward and like no one would ever understand. And they don't. Because they see you as Y and not X or X and not Y. And to them your like weird. Why wouldn't you want that!? Why would you rather be alone? 

 

Like I wouldn't even get my drivers license until I was 29. I didn't want it. I didn't want the picture. I didn't want the gender marker. It's a very hard thing to explain and go through and just not easy. You literally come to a point where you either kill yourself or try to move on. You have to do something about it or you will never be happy. You will never be you. 

 

Like alot of media portrays people who are trans as cross dressers. And they're not. I've always hated that depiction. It's not about your clothes. Its about your body. I like to wear jeans and cute t-shirts and cardigans. I like dresses too but i don't have to be some hyper feminine monstrosity. I'm just a normal girl that chooses her own style. So like a alcoholic or a heroin addict can get rehab covered by their insurance. Someone that eats a big mac 3 times a day and is self inflicting diabetes on themselves. Their insulin will be taken care of. Anyone with any mental disorder can get get insurance to cover their pills. But I can't even get my hormones covered by my insurance. Because why would we ever help these freaks feel better right? Anyway this is starting to become a rant so I'm going to end it there.

 

Anyway i'm also very sorry to hear you had to deal with violence. That's so scary and no one should have that in their life. I can only imagine the stress and fear it caused. My relationship with my father is non existent, as when he found out i was what I was, I no longer had a home. He also decided his new wifes children were a better replacement for his. And that was the last day he was my father. We are strangers now. But yea your right some people just shouldn't be allowed to have a child. To love unconditionally no matter what. That should be a requirement for parenthood. You're there to guide them through life and keep them safe. Not force them down a path you want or to be something they're not. It's a shame that children have to live in abusive homes of any kind. :(

 


Edited by Maka, 28 October 2018 - 06:13 PM.

  • 0

#4 ZeroTigress

ZeroTigress

    My Offline Life is Nonexistent.

  • RO1 Member
  • 15091 posts
  • Playing:Ragnarok Online
  • Server:Sakray->Iris->Ymir->Chaos

Posted 28 October 2018 - 06:22 PM

I'm sure transgender people have good reasons for wanting to do what they want to do. I don't really worry myself over the details since, again, it's your body not mine so why should it offend me in any way? Thank you for sharing your perspective, though.

For me, I've become neutral to my own body. I guess it's androgynous enough that it doesn't matter since people seem to mistake me for a guy on and offline anyways. I don't really care to actively find a significant other at this point. If I can find an effeminate guy I can spend the rest of my life with, great. If not, that's fine, too. I used to be all hung up about getting myself a boyfriend and I did have a couple of exes. (First one broke up with me and the second I broke up with because there wasn't much of a spark between us.) I dunno, I guess I feel kind of... hollow?
  • 0

#5 Maka

Maka

    Awarded #1 Troll

  • Members
  • 991 posts
  • LocationLimbo
  • Playing:Nothing

Posted 28 October 2018 - 06:42 PM

I'm sorry if I came off as judgey. I didn't mean to. I was more or less trying to say you seem ok and strong. But then I got all scary with my perspective. I can see how it could seem judgemental.

I feel the same way relationship wise. It's not something I need. But might be nice to have someday. Just um wouldn't ever settle for someone just to not be alone.

I'm sorry.to hear you feel hollow. I think I know that feeling, but maybe not how you feel it.

Anyway I kinda felt like I was yelling into the abyss here. I'm glad you took the time to hear me. I miss this place. Even at it's worst, it was better than being alone. It always was easy to talk to people here.
  • 0

#6 ZeroTigress

ZeroTigress

    My Offline Life is Nonexistent.

  • RO1 Member
  • 15091 posts
  • Playing:Ragnarok Online
  • Server:Sakray->Iris->Ymir->Chaos

Posted 28 October 2018 - 09:50 PM

I think everyone goes through gender identity issues when trying to figure out what kind of person you want to be. And it's perfectly fine for people come to their own sense of self-discovery in their own ways as long as it's not harming themselves or others.

A lot of people just seem to really like their first impression of me and just instantly want to be friends with me (or in recent years, fall in love with me) and I don't feel that there is enough of a bond there for me to reciprocate those feelings. So I feel that I come off as apathetic. I don't hate, but I don't quite like either, which the closest term I could think of is just being hollow. I feel like... I don't have a heart/soul. I guess that's why I gravitate towards reptiles, because they adjust to their environment and don't adhere to a particular... spectrum? Like, super neutral? Of course, I can get emotional when placed under too much stress.

Edited by ZeroTigress, 29 October 2018 - 12:47 AM.

  • 0

#7 Maka

Maka

    Awarded #1 Troll

  • Members
  • 991 posts
  • LocationLimbo
  • Playing:Nothing

Posted 29 October 2018 - 06:56 AM

In regards to gender identity issues I suppose it's not uncommon for people to wonder at some point in there life which they more align with. But I think there's a line between questioning your identity and having full blown gender dysphoria where it's less of a question and more of a intense emotional/psychological pain. Almost like being heartbroken but perpetually. The question on your mind isn't What am I? but more of a How do I fix this..?

In regards to feeling hollow though. I think I understand that feeling but in a different way. I also agree that you come off as instantly likeable.

For me I've had one incredibly close friend for like 12 years. I love her but not in a romantic way. She's basically my family. Lately though she's been a bit distant after moving in with her boyfriend. So it's been difficult. Ive tried to make other friends but it's just not ever the same. The level of trust and bond isn't ever the same and I always feel the need to put distance between anyone else I meet to avoid being hurt.

I only really socialize online. And since I don't really play online games anymore that's been halted as well. But I'm always out. I go to the movie theater every weekend. I went to two Taylor Swift concerts this summer. And every other weekend I spent at Hershey Park an amusement park. So I'm not afraid to be around people like I used to be, but I have no interest in social activities. I do have that feeling of apathy towards people, but that stems from the feeling I'm always being judged or if they knew they'd hate me. Since I've been on HRT I definitely get called ma'm or miss a lot but there's still confusion. So I know I'm in a awkward Andro phase and I constantly feel that judgement.

Like I don't care for any of the people I work with either. There no hate no dislike I just have no feelings. So yeah I feel a sense of hollowness or emptiness too. I'm so ok with being alone that I feel like I can't ever relate to people. But even though I don't mind being alone it doesn't mean I wouldn't sometimes like to feel cared about. I don't know if any of that makes sense.
  • 0

#8 ZeroTigress

ZeroTigress

    My Offline Life is Nonexistent.

  • RO1 Member
  • 15091 posts
  • Playing:Ragnarok Online
  • Server:Sakray->Iris->Ymir->Chaos

Posted 29 October 2018 - 08:48 AM

I can understand wanting to feel cared about. I don't think there's a person on the planet that wouldn't want some sort of attention, either from the world or from a certain someone. For me, the yearning to have someone care about me hurt me a lot growing up, which is what led me to a point in my life when I actually did become apathetic for a while. It was around when I started working in Disneyland that I started to just become a positive force for others. I did nice things and was actually recognized for it. And it made me feel good about myself because usually no one would care to notice and say thank you. My family never acknowledged me in that way, so I started thinking of my Disney coworkers as my family. At this point, my Lead at work feels 100x more of a father to me than my real father ever has.
  • 0

#9 MilkyThief

MilkyThief

    Guide Master

  • Members
  • 873 posts
  • LocationMassachusetts
  • Playing:Ragnarok Online
  • Server:Renewal/Chaos

Posted 29 October 2018 - 10:44 PM

Thank you for sharing your story, it was an interesting read. I can related to some of it, especially the bullying and RO being used for escapism. Been one of mine for over a decade now.

About 6 years ago now, my entire social circle collapsed, my SO dumped me and all my "best friends" ostracized me from my small group of friends over some personal problems deeply rooted in mental health issues unrelated to me. It really sucked going from having very close friends to nobody overnight. I still think back on those dark days and know that RO was my needed escape. Life moves on, time heals all wounds, but there is a part of you that never recovers from something like that, be it bullying or some form of isolation. There is a loneliness only known to those have been there or are there now. People who have felt and know the pain of a hole in your heart. I admit it gets easier the more you grow up, but you can only be numb for so long. It wears on you, looking at people all around you moving ahead in their lives while being stagnant in your own. Even though the last two years of my life have been on the up and are what most people would consider very good, I still hate it and would re-roll my life in a heart beat. Yet I have a life most would kill for, and that feeds my feelings of self animosity. Again, as an adult I can deal with it but you can only be numb for so long.

Lately I've been questioning myself heavily, asking if it is okay to keep going on alone, numb to all. Sure you can have family and acquaintances, online friends or co-workers... but does that really count? Is that the meaningful connection you are looking for? I really wish I had an answer for that, but I know I won't get one, nor will anyone else searching for it get one. At least the internet shows that I am not alone with these feelings and that is appears to be somewhat commonplace now a days. I've grown too used to being alone, I'm somewhat scared of changing. I can still hold a conversation no problem, and am far from anti social, but I just can't seem to make the connections I want to with other people. I've convinced myself for so long that I am better off alone, but now all I can do is question it and wonder...

I wish I had a better way to wrap up my ramblings, but I really don't. I got a cat around this time last year, so I can say I've been doing my best for her sake.

Sorry if I went too off topic.

Edited by MilkyThief, 29 October 2018 - 11:00 PM.

  • 0

#10 Maka

Maka

    Awarded #1 Troll

  • Members
  • 991 posts
  • LocationLimbo
  • Playing:Nothing

Posted 29 October 2018 - 11:13 PM

I can understand wanting to feel cared about. I don't think there's a person on the planet that wouldn't want some sort of attention, either from the world or from a certain someone. For me, the yearning to have someone care about me hurt me a lot growing up, which is what led me to a point in my life when I actually did become apathetic for a while. It was around when I started working in Disneyland that I started to just become a positive force for others. I did nice things and was actually recognized for it. And it made me feel good about myself because usually no one would care to notice and say thank you. My family never acknowledged me in that way, so I started thinking of my Disney coworkers as my family. At this point, my Lead at work feels 100x more of a father to me than my real father ever has.

 

Yea it sucks that your father was so awful to you. Unfortunately so was mine. I don't know if i ever really dealt with it though. Like I can't really say I ever had strong bonds with my family so I think I was able to get over it quick. Iunno. I definitely cried a lot after i got thrown out of my home. But I don't think i miss him. There was also a 5 year period after that where i didn't see any of my family. I do care for my mom and brothers. But I don't know if i feel the same way other people do about their family. I came out to my mom.. twice. So that's weird. But shes been accepting even though it's still not something i want to discuss with her. But sometimes I think I should. 

 

It's good though that you found a place to work that makes you feel good about yourself. That seems like a wildly cool job. I think it's always good to remember that even when things are bad, they get better or improve over time. You seem like a really good person who probably went through some traumatic stuff. Glad you turned out to be someone that wants to make people feel good and not the opposite.


  • 0

#11 Maka

Maka

    Awarded #1 Troll

  • Members
  • 991 posts
  • LocationLimbo
  • Playing:Nothing

Posted 29 October 2018 - 11:37 PM

Thank you for sharing your story, it was an interesting read. I can related to some of it, especially the bullying and RO being used for escapism. Been one of mine for over a decade now.

About 6 years ago now, my entire social circle collapsed, my SO dumped me and all my "best friends" ostracized me from my small group of friends over some personal problems deeply rooted in mental health issues unrelated to me. It really sucked going from having very close friends to nobody overnight. I still think back on those dark days and know that RO was my needed escape. Life moves on, time heals all wounds, but there is a part of you that never recovers from something like that, be it bullying or some form of isolation. There is a loneliness only known to those have been there or are there now. People who have felt and know the pain of a hole in your heart. I admit it gets easier the more you grow up, but you can only be numb for so long. It wears on you, looking at people all around you moving ahead in their lives while being stagnant in your own. Even though the last two years of my life have been on the up and are what most people would consider very good, I still hate it and would re-roll my life in a heart beat. Yet I have a life most would kill for, and that feeds my feelings of self animosity. Again, as an adult I can deal with it but you can only be numb for so long.

Lately I've been questioning myself heavily, asking if it is okay to keep going on alone, numb to all. Sure you can have family and acquaintances, online friends or co-workers... but does that really count? Is that the meaningful connection you are looking for? I really wish I had an answer for that, but I know I won't get one, nor will anyone else searching for it get one. At least the internet shows that I am not alone with these feelings and that is appears to be somewhat commonplace now a days. I've grown too used to being alone, I'm somewhat scared of changing. I can still hold a conversation no problem, and am far from anti social, but I just can't seem to make the connections I want to with other people. I've convinced myself for so long that I am better off alone, but now all I can do is question it and wonder...

I wish I had a better way to wrap up my ramblings, but I really don't. I got a cat around this time last year, so I can say I've been doing my best for her sake.

Sorry if I went too off topic.

 

It's definitely ok to keep going on alone. If you don't keep going you might not ever meet new friends along the way. I think i've had the same feelings as you. It's so hard sometimes to be alone. Even though i'm used to it there are times where like I said  before I kind of just want to be cared about. Like honestly i started ranting here because my friend hasn't been around much lately and i just wanted to put my feelings out there. I felt alone. This used to be a place where I didn't.

 

When i was feeling at my worst. A time where I had excessive suicidal thoughts. Because I was alone and just didn't feel like I could fix myself. I decided I needed a cat. I wanted one so bad for most of my life.

And when I got her she literally saved my life because I wouldn't have any reason to keep moving forward without her. Like the bond I have with my first cat Mia is incredibly strong. She is always at my side. Always. Like we genuinely need each other. I haven't ever felt as bonded to someone or something as I do this cat. I care about her and she cares about me. When im crying or depressed I still have her. I still have something to take care of. Something more important than myself. That's such a good feeling. Without her I know I would have given up. Be it letting myself die or just ending up homeless and alone. She gives me reason to move forward. Bettering her life betters mine.

 

I also have another cat who i rescued. Her feral mom was a cat I saw and fed all the time where I used to live. At one point she had kittens in my ceiling. x.x Try not to ever capture a pregnant feral cat. They go nuts. All her kittens died that summer but she had another litter and Lily was one of them. I kept seeing them all die and I knew i had to try and save them. I'm pretty sure shes the last of her litter to be alive. Lily is super shy though always has been. She likes to left alone for the most part. But I always work on breaking her out of her cute little shell. I'm making progress 3 years later.

 

So anyway I think it's great you got a cat. I really really hope yours helps you like mine did.

 

 

 


  • 0

#12 ZeroTigress

ZeroTigress

    My Offline Life is Nonexistent.

  • RO1 Member
  • 15091 posts
  • Playing:Ragnarok Online
  • Server:Sakray->Iris->Ymir->Chaos

Posted 29 October 2018 - 11:48 PM

Thank you for sharing your story, it was an interesting read. I can related to some of it, especially the bullying and RO being used for escapism. Been one of mine for over a decade now.

About 6 years ago now, my entire social circle collapsed, my SO dumped me and all my "best friends" ostracized me from my small group of friends over some personal problems deeply rooted in mental health issues unrelated to me. It really sucked going from having very close friends to nobody overnight. I still think back on those dark days and know that RO was my needed escape. Life moves on, time heals all wounds, but there is a part of you that never recovers from something like that, be it bullying or some form of isolation. There is a loneliness only known to those have been there or are there now. People who have felt and know the pain of a hole in your heart. I admit it gets easier the more you grow up, but you can only be numb for so long. It wears on you, looking at people all around you moving ahead in their lives while being stagnant in your own. Even though the last two years of my life have been on the up and are what most people would consider very good, I still hate it and would re-roll my life in a heart beat. Yet I have a life most would kill for, and that feeds my feelings of self animosity. Again, as an adult I can deal with it but you can only be numb for so long.

Lately I've been questioning myself heavily, asking if it is okay to keep going on alone, numb to all. Sure you can have family and acquaintances, online friends or co-workers... but does that really count? Is that the meaningful connection you are looking for? I really wish I had an answer for that, but I know I won't get one, nor will anyone else searching for it get one. At least the internet shows that I am not alone with these feelings and that is appears to be somewhat commonplace now a days. I've grown too used to being alone, I'm somewhat scared of changing. I can still hold a conversation no problem, and am far from anti social, but I just can't seem to make the connections I want to with other people. I've convinced myself for so long that I am better off alone, but now all I can do is question it and wonder...

I wish I had a better way to wrap up my ramblings, but I really don't. I got a cat around this time last year, so I can say I've been doing my best for her sake.

Sorry if I went too off topic.


That's sad that your so-called friends ostracized you. Some people just suck. 
 

Yea it sucks that your father was so awful to you. Unfortunately so was mine. I don't know if i ever really dealt with it though. Like I can't really say I ever had strong bonds with my family so I think I was able to get over it quick. Iunno. I definitely cried a lot after i got thrown out of my home. But I don't think i miss him. There was also a 5 year period after that where i didn't see any of my family. I do care for my mom and brothers. But I don't know if i feel the same way other people do about their family. I came out to my mom.. twice. So that's weird. But shes been accepting even though it's still not something i want to discuss with her. But sometimes I think I should. 
 
It's good though that you found a place to work that makes you feel good about yourself. That seems like a wildly cool job. I think it's always good to remember that even when things are bad, they get better or improve over time. You seem like a really good person who probably went through some traumatic stuff. Glad you turned out to be someone that wants to make people feel good and not the opposite.


I'm not going to lie, there have been days when things have gotten so bad that I feel like I could become another mass murderer. And I've come dangerously close to outright wanting to kill someone at all costs. Don't know how, but I managed to keep myself in check, but it scared me to know that I could've easily ended up as another story of killing on the news.

I hate that I have this psychotic side of me and it makes me uncomfortable when people compliment that I'm a nice person. I can't handle hearing that because I feel I'm a monster that shouldn't be seen that way at all.
  • 0

#13 Maka

Maka

    Awarded #1 Troll

  • Members
  • 991 posts
  • LocationLimbo
  • Playing:Nothing

Posted 30 October 2018 - 10:02 PM

That's sad that your so-called friends ostracized you. Some people just suck. 
 

I'm not going to lie, there have been days when things have gotten so bad that I feel like I could become another mass murderer. And I've come dangerously close to outright wanting to kill someone at all costs. Don't know how, but I managed to keep myself in check, but it scared me to know that I could've easily ended up as another story of killing on the news.

I hate that I have this psychotic side of me and it makes me uncomfortable when people compliment that I'm a nice person. I can't handle hearing that because I feel I'm a monster that shouldn't be seen that way at all.

 

Don't ever let the actions of a awful person from your past turn you into one. Having a evil thought isn't the same as acting upon it. I think everyone thinks evil things sometimes, usually out of anger or fear. Hopefully you realize that you are a better person than your father and whoever else made you feel bad about yourself.


  • 0

#14 ZeroTigress

ZeroTigress

    My Offline Life is Nonexistent.

  • RO1 Member
  • 15091 posts
  • Playing:Ragnarok Online
  • Server:Sakray->Iris->Ymir->Chaos

Posted 31 October 2018 - 12:06 AM

Don't ever let the actions of a awful person from your past turn you into one. Having a evil thought isn't the same as acting upon it. I think everyone thinks evil things sometimes, usually out of anger or fear. Hopefully you realize that you are a better person than your father and whoever else made you feel bad about yourself.


As long as I'm in the right mind, I can control myself. But I'm just afraid I might have a hidden trigger that would make me do something I'll regret. I don't know why, but I have an odd tendency to channel emotions off other people when I'm near them, so sometimes I'll be overwhelmed with awkward emotions that come out of nowhere.
  • 0

#15 Fuuton

Fuuton

    Too Legit To Quit

  • Members
  • 2190 posts
  • Playing:Ragnarok Online

Posted 31 October 2018 - 05:49 AM

i have only met one transgender person in game, and i miss her truly. she was one of the friends i really really appreciated, but she disappeared some great time ago. so i will ask only once, are you "L"?


  • 0

#16 Maka

Maka

    Awarded #1 Troll

  • Members
  • 991 posts
  • LocationLimbo
  • Playing:Nothing

Posted 01 November 2018 - 07:03 AM

i have only met one transgender person in game, and i miss her truly. she was one of the friends i really really appreciated, but she disappeared some great time ago. so i will ask only once, are you "L"?

 

I haven't played RO in over 10 years so probably not. Sorry you lost a friend though.


  • 0




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users